How do you know when to throw in the towel- when it’s time to break a commitment for your own well-being?
I accepted the treasurer’s position on a non-profit board over a year ago because I wanted to utilize my accounting skills for a good cause. This was my first volunteer experience as an accountant and I was eager to jump in- perhaps a little too eager. Looking back, a warning light should have gone off in my head when I was told that the previous treasurer left on bad terms and did not want to be contacted. Ever.
I quickly discovered the culprit. When a couple of board members no-showed the first meeting I attended, the chair of the board, R, said, “Looks like it’s time to send out a nasty gram.” Nasty gram?!? My condescend-ometer went crazy, and that was only the beginning. R is one of those people who believes she is right about everything, and perceives any difference of opinion as a personal insult. As I rather like forming my own opinions, we were bound to clash.
Our first rift pertained to a building donation. The organization was offered a “gift” of 3-connected 70’s-era classroom trailers. This so-called gift will necessitate $200,000 to make it habitable, not to mention that utility bills will be three times more than the current rent payment when the organization is already operating at a deficit. At the meeting to vote on accepting the building, R presented her list of reasons to vote in favor of accepting the building. As the treasurer, I raised my financial concerns about the building. You would have thought I had suggested hiring prostitutes for the volunteer appreciation dinner. She quickly interrupted me, threatening to quit if the board didn’t accept the building. The motion to accept passed.
We next differed over payroll law. I informed her that her proposed manner of handling Christmas bonuses that entailed payroll taxes aversion was illegal. She, being an environmental engineer, informed me, an accountant, that I didn’t know what I was talking about.
I enjoy the routine treasury duties- reviewing the books, assisting the bookkeeper, etc. It’s the barrage of presumptive emails and manipulative monthly meetings maneuvers that cause me so much grief. I literally clench my teeth when I see R or her emails.
Last Wednesday may have been my last straw. I’ve had a stressful couple of weeks…Matt’s health situation and my overtime hours are starting to get to me. I scheduled the budget meeting at a McDonald’s Playland so that I wouldn’t miss out on as much evening timing with the imp. R arrived first and selected seats out of sight from the Playland. R then proceeded to hijack the meeting with her typical interruption and control tactics. She spent 20 minutes analyzing a $200/year budget item. Twenty minutes on pencils!!! Thankfully the imp peed on herself (so much for potty-training), hastening my departure.
This is my dilemma. Do I break a commitment in order to alleviate stress and spend more time with my family? If it were a paid position and she was my boss, I would (find another job and) quit in a minute. Why should this be any different?
24 Comments
March 9, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Hey, that sounds like my non-profit!
Really, though, perhaps you’ll allow me to give the same advice I gave to my wife when her volunteer duties started stressing her out—break the commitment. Your family needs you healthy and happy. In fact, everyone around you will enjoy you more when you are positive and at peace, and you’ll be able to do more good for the world than whatever your particular charitable organization is doing. You’ve got, what, 4000 weeks on this planet? Maybe more, maybe much less. Enough that you could count them off, if you felt like it. Few enough that you don’t need to hang out with people who cause you grief. Maybe you’ll see a way to turn your relationship with R around (and usually these things are fixable, right?), but if you don’t, don’t sweat it too much and just bail.
Love and peace.
March 9, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Accepting that individual personalities cannot co-exist in the same organization and packing it in, is sometimes the best thing for everyone. Especially in this situation, in which you are a volunteer.
If you leave, letting everyone know of your issue with the board member or just disappearing into the sunset is a whole other issue.
March 9, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Go, go, go…but, as someone with an over-developed sense of responsibility, I know this is easier said than done.
March 9, 2008 at 2:41 pm
I’d feel like you’d have more of a committment if you were being paid.
Since you’re a volunteer, you shouldn’t have to put up with all that kind of crap. I agree with morethananelectrician’s presented choices. It seems like if you left, they should figure out that something about volunteering for them just is not as rewarding as it would seem.
Maybe you and the former volunteer can form a support group for others that follow in that position and subsequently quit.
March 9, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Ooh, the payroll thing gets to me. I get a $15 gift certificate to Kroger every Christmas, and even that is taxed.
I can’t believe someone would so blatantly disregard the law.
Quit. Oh, and detail everything in writing. Is there any way it can be included in the minutes? Are meeting minutes ever audited?
March 9, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Not audited, but, you know, looked over… you know what I mean.
I’m SO not a finance person.
March 9, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Leave. I am a big believer in simplifying and making life as stress free as possible. Arguing over pencils for 20 minutes is crazy.
March 9, 2008 at 8:17 pm
If I were in your shoes, I would try to have a one on one with her spelling out your sources of frustration – citing the facts. Ask if she is willing to make some changes in her style and let her know that if she can’t change her ways of working with you, then you are not a good fit for their organization – even though she sounds like a total renegade and makes horrible financial decisions. You need to either get some compromise from her so you can fulfill your obligation without HATING it, or let them find someone else who is willing to deal with the BS. Good Luck!!
March 10, 2008 at 6:42 am
Personally, I’d fly. Nobody needs someone that negative in their life; that sort of thing tends to cast a subtle taint through all sorts of areas when and where you least expect it.
Clearly you’ve got good intentions and you believe in what your non-profit is (or could be) doing, but it sounds like it’s coming at a substantial cost to your well-being. Only you can decide if it’s worth it.
March 10, 2008 at 7:36 am
I used to volunteer at the Museum of Fine Arts in Boston which was an amazing experience. Worked at the information and help desk, directing people around the museum and basically putting to use my wealth of art and art history knowledge. I loved being someplace twice a month where I could immerse myself in art and help visitors to this amazing museum.
The volunteer director was, for lack of a better term, a complete douchebag! After a year of being there and developing a core group of volunteers like myself who all knew the museum inside out and backwards, she decides to completely re-vamp the volunteer schedule into something better resembling a work schedule. Instead of picking which days each month to volunteer on, she assigned us set times each month and if you couldn’t meet those set times, you were out of the program. So, needless to say, the core group of dedicated volunteers, people who gave up their free time to share their expertise with this great establishment, people like me who drove in from almost an hour away, all were forced to either conform to the “schedule” or quit. Most of us chose to quit. It’s sad when someone decides to micromanage volunteer positions without understanding that the people in those positions do this out of love and are giving up THEIR free time. When you turn something like that into ‘work’, it kills the spirit and intention of that position.
My advice to you would be to do what I did: walk away. There are other volunteer opportunities out there and if the fun is gone and the love is lost, why spend your free time doing it? You may believe in the cause and enjoy putting your skills to something greater than your job, but if someone is making the position a miserable experience, you need to let it go.
My other advice would be, if you can’t just quit, ask them to create a stipend position for you. That way, you will still be miserable, but at least you will be payed for your troubles…
March 10, 2008 at 7:43 am
I think you know what you’re probably going to do at this point.
Charity begins at home (in my book).
-Chris
March 10, 2008 at 8:58 am
I recently just left a volunteer position that I found too time-consuming and frustrating. My theory was that my volunteer time is too limited to spend on something that I don’t find rewarding.
Don’t let this spoil volunteering for you, however. Your skills are desperately needed by many nonprofits, so take a break until your life settles down, then start looking around again. Good boards are out there!
March 10, 2008 at 10:37 am
Go! Life is too short. You’d never regret spending time with your family, but I bet you DO regret that 20 minutes discussing pencils.
March 10, 2008 at 12:47 pm
I see most of the advice is to just kick heel and leave, but I’m more the confrontational type. If you like volunteering, just not this person, I wonder if there’s some way to call for a vote of no confidence or similar to get her out of there. Cite things like, oh I dunno…ILLEGAL decisions she’s made, as well as showing how her dumb decisions have hurt the non-profit.
Or, if you don’t care too much about the non-profit, walk up to the lady and ask in a matter-of-fact voice, “Has anyone ever told you you’re an a**hole?” Maybe she just doesn’t know because nobody told her.
I think we should say that to each other more often instead of just letting a-holes be a-holes. Besides, you’re quitting anyway…who cares what she thinks?
Cheers!
March 10, 2008 at 2:36 pm
Quit now. And quit with a note that you do NOT want to be contacted. Ever.
March 10, 2008 at 2:40 pm
Oh, I should say that I never volunteer for anything any more. It’s been my experience that many of the people who volunteer and who obtain positions of authority a) don’t know what the hell they are doing, b) are assholes about doing it and c) don’t take people pointing out that they are incompetent assholes well.
Your story just added another anecdote to the many I could leave here if I had the time.
March 10, 2008 at 6:04 pm
Your family is all that really matters. When other obligations begin to impinge on that happiness, they are meant to go by the wayside.
I learned this with the first child and have acted upon it with the second. PTO, scouts, board of education meetings, etc. They are all busy work and unless you are enjoying them they should be thrown out the window. And I specifically remember a PTO meeting discussing pencils.
This is another thing entirely. It sounds like it could be rewarding for you if not for the idiot in charge. The only idiot you should have to answer to is your actual boss who is paying you green money. Even better yet if he’s not an idiot.
Save yourself!
March 10, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Although, I must say that I love Mediogre’s response, now that I’ve read it. It would be such a better world.
March 10, 2008 at 6:44 pm
I sincerely appreciate everybody’s advice and words of encouragement, as well as individual stories of volunteerism gone wrong. I honestly didn’t think anybody would even read this post.
Two things happened since I posted this which I have decided to take as signs from God to quit. First, my dad called me and told me that he read this post and that I needed to quit. Second, R sent another lengthy and condesceding email to the board members this afternoon informing us that a guest would be attending the next board meeting to ascertain the board’s commitment to raising a whole lot of money for 3 piles of rubble. Here’s your sign. I swiftly composed my resignation letter (…just posted a couple versions of my resignation letter).
Pamajama, I so badly wanted to follow Mediogre’s advice. Maybe someday when I don’t have anything to lose (I don’t want to give my employer a bad reputation).
I felt a twitch of guilt afterwards, but then I picked the imp up and was treated to her rendition of Old McDonald all the way home…and all was well.
March 10, 2008 at 10:07 pm
I just saw your newest post on what you wanted to say and what you actually said, so I’m wondering what happened (and I just wanted you to know that…haha…)…okay, I am scooting over to the “big reveal” right now (again, I thought you should know that
)
March 10, 2008 at 11:57 pm
I’m with karmental. Maybe she has no insight into how difficult she is to deal with. Even if you can’t bring yourself to tell her maybe a resignation letter to the board outlining your concerns would be helpful for all concerned?
March 11, 2008 at 12:27 am
Hello Again!
Regarding the “bad reputation” angle, considering the fact that this woman has insisted on making some bad financial decisions, it also reminds me of why I quit our board of education. I didn’t want my name attached to things I thought were completely assinine. This is kind of a similar situation!
I have to believe that if she made the same kind of financial decisions in her personal life, she would be homeless and penniless now. I find myself sometimes appalled at how willing people are to spend OPM (other people’s money).
March 12, 2008 at 9:43 am
Don’t even look back, keep your dignity, and maintain your position.
March 13, 2008 at 2:58 pm
A friend of mine once gave me some really good advice: If something or someone is like a black hole, sucking the positivity and fun out of an experience, it’s not worth it. I definitely think you should tell her why you’re leaving though. (Coming from the girl who hides under the table from JW’s!)
I think she is aware of the problem. She actually sent me (and the other committee members) an apology for her disrepectful behavior at the last meeting. She stated that she couldn’t help but notice the board turnover and question her leadership abilities. Then she offered to step down if I would reconsider. I declined her offer because of my other concerns (the “building”, time with my family, not wanting to be associated with drama)…I hope something good comes out of this.