Modern Day Harriet the Spy

Back in the day when I aspired to be Harriet the Spy, the tools of my trade were binoculars and a notebook.  These days, my tools are a little more sophisticated, and carry with them a monthly bill.  I try to mind my business for the most part, but every now and then curiosity gets the better of me.  That’s when I break out my internet arsenal– Google, Classmates, and MySpace.

This happened to me a few weeks ago.  I thought of a guy from junior high/high school and my insatiable nosiness inquisitiveness compelled me to investigate.  Popular, athletic, good-looking with a cheerleader girlfriend on his arm, he was the equivalent of junior high royalty.  He was also a complete and utter jerk.  He made fun of people maliciously, defied teachers, and gave the shy, slightly awkward kid in algebra class a wet willy†.  His vocabulary was extensive and oftentimes offensive.  He was the first to expose me to the see-you-next-Tuesday word (in reference to an English teacher).  Despite his behavior issues, he managed to evade punishment by flashing a charming smile and being related to higher-ups in the school system.

His behavior continued to escalate in high school.  One day in physics class, he caught my attention and held up a sign upon which he had written, “I’m suffering from a semen retention headache.”  I was too mortified to even react at the time.  In hindsight, I can’t believe I didn’t rip the notebook from his hand and shove it down his throat.  I wasn’t the only girl he harrassed.  He told my best friend that he wanted to make her, “get down on all four and howl like a dog.”  Eventually four of us ended up in the principal’s office (I never did figure out who give the principal my name) to tattle testify against him.  Predictably, nothing ever came of it.

I had an epiphany about him on senior awards night.  As he walked onto the stage to accept an award, he flashed the audience his infamous Eddie Haskell grin, and I heard several mothers (including my own) gasp and whisper, “He’s so handsome.  What a catch.”  Right then and there, I told myself that he was going to end up in politics or prison (not that the two are mutually exclusive).

So when I saw a political ad and an orange jumpsuit on the same day a few weeks ago, I decided to investigate what became of him.  It took a little digging, but I finally found him on MySpace.  Purportedly, he’s a chef in the sunshine state now.  The only picture he had posted was one of him with his mother.  I guess I was wrong after all.

†This was actually pretty extraordinary to behold.  Shy kid was a frequent victim of jerk-boy’s malevolence, but the wet willy incident proved to be his breaking point.  Shy kid jumped up (knocking his desk over in the process) and pummelled jerk-boy.  The look of shock on jerk-boy’s face was priceless.  After that incident, Jerk-boy kept his distance from the shy kid.  I’m happy to report that I saw shy boy a few years ago doing well with an attractive woman at his side.