I’m afraid that my dorkitude cannot be contained in one post. Any one of these things is sure to guarantee your dorkdorm. All 10 would put you in the dork hall of shame fame.
1. I once accidentally washed my hair with baby oil instead of shampoo. I left the house while my hair was still wet and later discovered my error when I realized I made Kurt Cobain’s hair look shiny and lustrous.
2. Back when I had bangs, I often performed little touch-up trims between haircuts. This was the result.
3. I will find a way to yell “Fight, fight!” at any sporting event, regardless of the situation on the court/floor.
4. I applied fertilizer to my yard by hand rather than using a spreader. Uneven fertilizer application results in freakish geometric patterns in one’s yard. This made me the laughingstock of the neighborhood.
5. I picked at a stye which unintentionally caused my eye to swell shut. Unfortunately, this was the day before I started a new job and my stye eye was immortalized on my i.d. badge forever.
6. I have an extensive Barbra Streisand CD collection. Really extensive.
7. In my attempt to de-fur our bedroom, I applied furniture polish to the broom prior to sweeping the hardwood floors. This had the effect of turning the room into an ice-skating rink…which made painting the room exceptionally challenging that afternoon.
8. I once wrested a fallen birth control pill from my dog’s mouth, and then took it (after rinsing).
9. When I first got my cellphone, I selected a cricket-chirping ringtone for my parents. After a tornado nearly hit our house in the middle of the night, my parents frantically tried to call me. I didn’t answer because, in my sleep-stupor, I thought I was hearing crickets outside.
10. I’m not hearing impaired, but I frequently have problems understanding what other people are saying (especially if they have an accent). Sometimes I fake comprehension of their words, and this sometimes usually backfires on me.
Here is an open call to all of my fellow dorks to share your tales of woe.
40 Comments
May 26, 2008 at 5:05 pm
I’m with you on that last one. I frequently hear things incorrectly and answer with something that makes no sense.
How many times can you ask a person to repeat themselves before you become a real annoyance?
May 26, 2008 at 5:46 pm
OMG, the stye one killed me. That was an excellent post. I love to know I’m not the only one out there who does things like that.
There are at least two of us
May 26, 2008 at 7:05 pm
I do the fight chanting too. This could be why my husband and I don’t go to more sporting events together.
Matt thinks I would be at home at a hockey game.
May 26, 2008 at 8:39 pm
The sty-eye-badge story is freakishly hilarious. My biggest clue to my dorkdom: I run into anything and everything. It doesn’t matter if I’m in an empty room with one chair. Even if there is ten feet on each side of the chair, I will manage to run into the chair as I pass by.
Yikes! That doesn’t even seem possible.
May 26, 2008 at 8:45 pm
Knowing that there is a “surprise secret scene” after the credits of Iron Man, I sat in the darkened theater and hollered at people who were leaving that the movie wasn’t over yet. They just looked at me.
My oldest son took the opportunity to move further away. – Tim
If it makes you feel better, I will make sure to watch the whole thing when I rent it on DVD someday.
Right now, my daughter’s dorkiness far exceeds my own. She openly picks (and oftentimes eats…or tries to anyway) her boogers. When the balance or dorkiness shifts, I’m sure she’ll never want to be seen with me in public.
May 26, 2008 at 8:50 pm
That’s hilarious. Thanks for admitting to all of those! I’ve done some similarly dorky things, but none, I think, that I can sum up in so few words. But I definitely empathize. Oh, and I loved the picture, too.
If I can just make one person have a smiley emoticon, then it’s all worth it.
May 26, 2008 at 10:08 pm
Hehe, I love the sense of solidarity from this and your previous post. I do the curb-hitting thing ALL the time. In my boyfriend’s small car; I do help out with the costs of wheel rebalancing though.
I also failed my driving test twice, before I finally got it, for automatic only. Then I had to learn manual (you guys call it “stick”, I think?) and I failed THAT twice too. Oy.
I actually didn’t have the take a driving test because I got an A in driver’s education…which is kind of crazy considering I wrecked my first car within a month….so much for the A.
May 27, 2008 at 6:32 am
Is talking to your plants and pets considered dorky?
If so, then I am.
However, the greenery in the office has never looked better.
It’s a little dorky, but apparently very effective!
May 27, 2008 at 7:03 am
Glad to know I’m not alone in the #10 department. When I visited UK I used to nod and smile a lot even though I understood English but had problems with the accent. As a rule, I leant to say no whenever the cashier asked me something when I went shopping. Of course it backfired; it always does!
I do the same thing with my child. If I can’t understand what she’s saying, I say NO.
May 27, 2008 at 7:46 am
Yelling ‘fight’ at a sporting event is dorky. Really? I disagree. Yelling ‘fight’ is often a sign of alcohol-fueled, over-testosteronized behaviour. And being a big, drunken lout is in no way dorky. It’s something equally wrong, if not more so, but not dorky.
It’s dorky if you are not inebriated and the event prompting the chant is something quite benign like a team prayer.
May 27, 2008 at 12:01 pm
You had me until #8. Yoicks.
#10 – Ask my wife about her first time meeting my grandfather and my uncles. Smiling and nodding a lot got her through the afternoon.
Desperate times…desperate measures.
May 27, 2008 at 1:36 pm
#11: Throwing in the towel at the gym
(This probably deserves to be entered in my “Stupid Human Tricks” category on my blog, but it’s so well-aligned with your list, I thought I’d give you first dibs on my dorkiness.)
Knowing I was going to the gym at lunch today, I packed my gym bag before leaving for work. I go through my mental checklist: Shoes, check; socks, check; shorts, check; shirt, check; charged iPod and headphones, check.
I change, go through my normal workout of cardio and weights. I come back to the locker room, grab my shampoo and towe… wait. No towel.
So now I smell so bad from the workout that there’s no possible way to go back to work without showering. I go and shower, stand in the shower afterwards trying to shake all the water off. Next I casually head over to the sinks that have hair dryers, and spend a LONG time “drying my hair.” (Given my current haircut, anything longer than 30 seconds with a hair dryer looks suspicious.)
Feeling satisfied that my arms, back, and chest are somewhat dry (having been the beneficiaries of the “hot air overflow”), I drip my way back to the locker, taking as long as I can to put my deoderant and shirt on, prior to sneaking a quick dry of the still dripping portions with a handful of paper towels that I snagged from the sinks OUT FRONT that have paper towel dispensers. (For reasons that make no sense to me, the sinks by the showers have no mechanism for drying your hands.) Now semi-dry, I pack up my stuff and make a hasty exit.
The worst part? This isn’t the first time this has happened. – Tim
That was awesome. You reminded me of all the many dorky things I have done with regards to packing for the gym (though certainly nothing as dorky as what you have just confessed). I am guilty most often of packing mis-matched tennis shoes…it looks funny….it feels funny….but there’s no way I’m going home without a workout because of that.
May 27, 2008 at 2:21 pm
I have heard my sons laugh and tell each other that I am a dork. I wear it as a badge of honor.
Perhaps it is the fact that I still wear cordoroy pants, or maybe it is because I use the phrases, “Way Cool” and “Totally Awesome”
Yikes. I just said “awesome” in Tim the Fool Man’s comment
.
May 27, 2008 at 2:30 pm
I embrace my dorkdom…partially because my child is 5 going on 15 and I will soon embarass her to no end, so why try to hide it? I’m going to come up with a list of my own for my blog I think…because I really like this idea. A sort of confessional….
If your blog is open to the public, please leave a comment with a link to it so that I can check it out. I really like your avatar.
And speaking of dorky things…I like your 1120kat name because corporate income tax returns are filed on Form 1120.
May 27, 2008 at 2:31 pm
You click on “Trackback URI” on this very funny blog without even knowing what it means. I’m such a dork, I had to google the term to know that I shouldn’t have clicked on that — sorry!
Biscuit eaters. I have no idea what that means either, but I guess I won’t click on it.
May 27, 2008 at 2:47 pm
What I meant to add before I clicked on the wrong button was that in eigth grade, I had a formal picture taken with my violin. I wore a blue flowered dress with a white vest (yes, vest) and my big, plastic-framed glasses that had my little gold initials in one corner of the lenses.
Those lenses must have been crazy big to fit initials on them. I’m in no position to judge though
May 27, 2008 at 3:19 pm
I fall down and/or barf when I’m nervous. First day of junior high, I puked but had to swallow it (twice) because I was running late and didn’t know where the bathroom was. I didn’t want to be marked tardy and leave a bad impression, so instead I just blew them away with my breath and sweaty hair. First day of work at my last job, I tripped on an AV cord while trying to find a place to sit down in the front a crowded room in a meeting that had already started. Not only did I trip, oh no, but I slid on the carpet and got a rug burn on my nose which then started to bleed on my white shirt.
Thank goodness the 1st day on the job situation was an “and” and not an “or” situation. Barfing on top of tripping would have been more than one person should have to bear.
May 27, 2008 at 3:29 pm
I’m in TOTAL agreement on the last one. I sit next to a really nice but insanely chatty girl at my singing group rehearsals. It is normally around 7 AM when we’re there, but still, when she whispers, I can hardly hear her. I often nod and smile ‘knowingly’ whenever she says something, but it gets awkward when I realize she’s asked me a question. Oops!
Oh no! Not a quiet talker. Those are just as bad as accents for me.
May 27, 2008 at 3:41 pm
I’m with you on 10. One of my good friends is from Central America and we spend a lot of our conversations laughing because we can’t understand each other. We must sound like idiots!
At least it’s mutual for both of you
May 27, 2008 at 4:01 pm
If I actually knew how to LOL, I’d be doing it right now over the “wrestled a birth control pill from the dog’s mouth” right now!
Seriously…that’s some funny stuff!
The crazy thing is that it was one of the placebo sugar pills.
May 27, 2008 at 4:01 pm
oh…and I’m also thinkin’…”Dang! I hope it was good!”
May 27, 2008 at 4:24 pm
I love you from Point One onward.
Because I did the same thing.
Yes!
May 27, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Ooooh Allison, you’re on the Dashboard for this post! Go you!
Woo-hoo!
May 27, 2008 at 6:30 pm
LOL-You did baby oil, I did conditioner-And it wasn’t the leave in kind either!! Great list!
The bottles all look alike
May 27, 2008 at 9:06 pm
I didn’t think I could top the gym thing in the same day, but on my way home, my wife charged me with getting some spaghetti sauce to go on the Chicken Parmesan that she was cooking. To go with it, I picked up some salad, tomatoes, and drinks.
I got home with… you guessed it, no spaghetti sauce, which was the whole reason for stopping by the grocery in the first place. – Tim
Oh sheesh, you need to wear a scarlet D.
May 28, 2008 at 1:51 am
Nothing comes to mind. I’m guessing it was all so traumatizing that I blocked it all out. Sorry.
You tried. That’s what matters.
May 28, 2008 at 9:04 am
Well, those are definitely ways that you are personally a dork.
Congratulations on achieved dorkitude!
I personally am more of a nerd than a dork, and as such, I would like to point out that these are more ways that you are a dork than ways that other people can increase their dork quotient.
Told ya I’m a nerd. lol
So I took the liberty of putting together a definitive list of ways you can truly increase your Dork Quotient, if you’re really interested in that sort of thing.
Check it out over here at http://alinaphoenix.wordpress.com/?p=18
What do you think … did I get them all? Or let me know if you think there’s other ways …
:::gigglefits:::
Namaste,
Lina
You have compiled an Erkel-worthy list to be certain
May 28, 2008 at 2:36 pm
The stye one made me piss myself too.. How funny about your ID badge.. mortifying, but funny
Ugh. It was highly moritfying
May 28, 2008 at 4:13 pm
I had a job interview today which went pretty well until the goodbye portion. I turned, shook the interviewers hand and then didn’t notice a small table behind me. Totally tripped over it on my way out the door. Thankfully, I didn’t fall. Then (yes, it gets worse), I tried to open the door and couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t pull it open. I backed up and figured it must be on a sensor. The janitor on the other side of the door saw me struggling and said, “Push.” Yes, I am just that cool.
You know what I think…you shouldn’t be judged by the dorky things you do. You should be judged by how gracefully you recover from being witnessed doing dorky things. I’m sure you smiled like a champ when you finally made it through the doorway, and that should be what matters. Fingers crossed (if that’s a job you want.)
May 28, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Wow, I really admire you for “coming out” like this…I’m the type to do dorky things in the “oops baby oil” type realm…I’ve done this more times than I can count, like for example when I want to put on my morning “wake up those baggy eyes” under-eye cream, and I accidentally pour out eye make-up remover gel into my hand (well hey it was 6:30am…)….and in terms of the CD collection realm, let’s just say that last week I put a bunch of New Kids on the Block tracks on my iPod, and I’ve been rocking out to them ever since
….oh, and if I’m ever coerced into eating orange slices, I have to grab a napkin when no one is looking, and spit them out after I’ve sucked out all the juice, because for some reason my esophagus rejects fresh orange pulp.
Wow, I feel a lot better after sharing all of this, thanks for creating a “safe place” Allison
Romi, I’m so glad that you view this as your “safe place” for dork confessions. Please continue to do so should you recall or do anything else dorky
The NKOTB thing is hilarious. Now I want to listen to “I’ll be Lovin’ You Forever”. Jordan always was my favorite.
Regarding the eye cream incident, I literally just snorted Matt’s contact solution instead of my saline spray. Yuck. Should I tell Matt what I did to his contact solution bottle?
May 29, 2008 at 8:44 am
These were priceless. I especially like the “fight fight” chant no matter what the situation is on the field/court. I’ve been know to shout “get him”. Then I sit back down and drink my beer.
Yeah, that’s one of my favorite chants too. Even if it’s a girl event.
May 29, 2008 at 9:17 am
Re: “fight fight”
While watching my oldest son play in a middle-school co-ed basketball game, I grew frustrated when I noticed that he wasn’t guarding the other team’s center closely, probably because she was a girl, and he wasn’t sure how to proceed. As a result, she was posting him up easily, and pretty much scoring at will.
Note: The girl’s parents were sitting next to my wife and I, and my son and this girl would later start dating this same girl (possibly because he was the only boy in school that was taller than her).
Finally I screamed, “Hey… put your body on her!”
Hearing the deafening silence from the rest of the crowd as my words echoed through the gym, I leaned over to her father and sheepishly said, “Don, I meant that in strictly a basketball sense.”
Fortunately, Don had a great sense of humor. – Tim
P.S. It’s truly disturbing that with every dorktale I read here, I am reminded of dozens of similar dork moves of my own. This is not a good sign.
I’m sure your command was what brought them together
May 30, 2008 at 8:08 am
Haha, first time commenter here. I just love #10. I found myself in that situation more than once in China, then when I got back to America, I never quite fully assimilated (and my friends called me out on it the other day)…I was in a loud bar and apparently agreed to plans for the following Friday without actually knowing what my friends were saying.
Why don’t we always say no if in doubt? Thanks for stopping by
May 30, 2008 at 8:47 am
Well apparently WordPress doesn’t think it’s enough that I’m signed in when I comment, so my blog is here at http://yarnwhore.wordpress.com
I’m also a bit of a list whore, which is why I love this idea
I”m workign on it today…the post should be up soon!
May 30, 2008 at 9:03 am
[...] know I am, but what are you? I’m a dork. I got this idea from Allison, and so it’s confession [...]
June 3, 2008 at 9:47 am
And speaking of dorky things…I like your 1120kat name because corporate income tax returns are filed on Form 1120.
You’re right, that is dorky.
Sad thing is, as a bookkeeper, I caught that too!
That makes me feel better (dorkiness in numbers and all).
June 4, 2008 at 9:59 am
Okay, yesterday when I read this post and the comments, I couldn’t think of anything to share. I supposed I have subconsciously blocked all my dorkiness. However…
One time we were ordering lunch in the office, and someone was going to pick it up. We had a menu going around, and I noticed an item called the “Big Chef Salad”. Only my unheralded dyslexia kicked in, and I read “Big CHIEF Salad”.
Thinking this was a novel way of saying, “This salad was a good choice for a BIG appetite,” I went with it. So I went around the office telling everyone I was ordering the “Big Chief Salad”, until someone notice the correct spelling on the menu!
I think “Big Chief Salad” would have been a better name for it.
It wasn’t a salad for wimps!
That was hilarious. I want a Big Chief Salad!
June 4, 2008 at 1:02 pm
In my haste to get drops into my very dry eyes, I once accidentally put a drop of contact lens clean in my eye instead. I don’t recommend doing this.
So noted (in the event that I ever need glasses/contacts).
June 6, 2008 at 8:02 pm
LOL! I needed this post just now
Number 10 is so me, I think it’s often prompted by me thinking ahead too far in things, so I miss something that was said, and then pretend I didn’t…which leads to the backfiring.
And other times I hear something and my brain doesn’t fully understand it until several seconds later, so I have a rather delayed reaction, which makes me look a little dull. Usually I will think right away “you should respond” and that part doesn’t work as quickly as it should.
Argh, I do the delayed reaction thing all the time. I blame it on coginitive multi-tasking.
June 6, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Walking to my car today, I ran into a large truck in the parking lot. A very large truck. I managed, somehow, not to see it. When I say I ran into it, I mean I actually walked, full speed, INTO IT. So hard I made a loud “Ugh” sound and fell down, dropping my new Blackberry (which was the reason I fell in the first place).
Luckily, the building next to ours is being renovated and there were several construction workers outside to witness the event. They didn’t exactly help me, unless you call laughing and shouting “Did you see that chick bust ass?” helping.
By the way, we totally share #10.
LOVE the list!
Oh shoot. Witnesses to dorkiness are guaranteed to amplify the mortification