The unthinkable happened last weekend. My extreme dorkitude collided with my affinity for the gym in a way so profound that I had no choice but to blog about it. I realize that by doing so, I am risking all remaining semblance of my dignity. However, if I can keep this from happening to just one other person, it will all have been worth it.
The imp and I were enjoying a typical Saturday afternoon at the gym’s indoor pool. She splashed, and I hovered. She frolicked, and I rubbed chlorine out of my eyes. This continued until Matt signaled through the window that he had 10 minutes remaining on the treadmill. I then forced persuaded the reluctant imp to get out of the pool and into the locker room. We always use the same shower stall (the bench and the wand make it perfect for cleaning a small child), and I was dismayed to see that our stall was taken. I noted that the occupant’s leg was in need of a good razor and headed back to the pool to stall for a few minutes.
When we returned, I was pleased to find our shower stall empty. However, I noticed that the bench and the wand were missing. I peeked into a couple of shower stalls and found one that did have a bench and wand. I figured that there must have been a compelling reason for the gym to make the switch. Once we were in the stall, we disrobed and started the shower. We had our usual shower ‘conversation.’ She said things like, “Mommy, put bubbles on my belly,” and I said things like, “Wash all the bubbles off.” This continued for several minutes until something strange happened. I heard a very deep voice coming from the dressing area. A masculine voice. A man’s voice. Then it hit me….the hairy leg, the missing shower bench. I was in the men’s locker room.
I WAS IN THE MEN’S LOCKER ROOM. NAKED IN THE MEN’S LOCKER ROOM WITH MY LITTLE GIRL.
“What do I do now?” I thought. I had to think quickly. I became acutely aware of how many times the imp had called me Mommy during the shower, and about just how loud her voice is…never mind the fact that I was talking very loudly (in my very non-male voice) about the bubbles on her belly. My first order of business was to put my bathing suit back on in record time. Then I finished the imp’s shower because, what difference would another half minute make? And then we fled. I booked it back to the pool deck and ducked into the women’s locker room. Somehow, miracle of all miracles, I never actually saw a man in the men’s locker room.
I don’t really know how it happened. I go there all the time. I know which door is the correct door. Even if I had forgotten, the doors are clearly labeled. For crying out loud, how dorky am I? I shudder to think what would have happened if I hadn’t heard that man’s voice. We most certainly would have paraded into the dressing area (where the imp and I would have certainly seen several undressed men and vice versa).
I learned an important lesson…the same lesson I’ve been teaching the imp for the past couple of months.
Always look for the skirt symbol on the door before proceeding. Always.
41 Comments
July 22, 2008 at 5:47 am
That is HYSTERICAL and you are so brave for sharing so that other dorks (like me) can avoid this with their own daughters. (God spare me the men’s locker room with P3, who would probably just yell “Mama! Look at all those PENISES!”)
July 22, 2008 at 6:00 am
I have never been so happy to not drink my coffee as I was when I read this entry.
July 22, 2008 at 6:04 am
This is SO NOT where I thought this was going!!!!!
I thought it was gonna be like, some disabled person berated you for stealing the chair they use to sit on in the shower or something.
OMG!!!!
It’s only this funny because coming in from the pool, our Men/Women’s doors are right next to each other and as you walk in, there’s about 15 feet of tiled floor and wall that tells you absolutely zero about whether or not you’re in the right room, and sam for the shower area, which is the first thing you come to.
This post could have easily been something I’d have done (well, you know…except I would have been in the women’s side).
Wow! Glad it happened to you, not me!
July 22, 2008 at 6:46 am
Haha! Sorry to be laughing at your loss of dignity, but this post was hilarious. I’m wondering though how you managed to hit the wrong locker room twice! That is priceless!
July 22, 2008 at 6:48 am
As with dobeman, I had NO CLUE that this is where we’d end up! Yikes!
I’ve never had that happen to me, luckily. The closest I’ve come is trying to scout out the brazenly naked dudes before I let my son out of the shower after his swimming lessons, just so I didn’t have to go through his look-at-the-penis talk.
I have been in some restaurant before, though – can’t remember which, but it was some small chain – that had big “WOMEN” signs on the inside of the men’s room door, so you’d see it on the way out. Nice try, but last I heard they didn’t put urinals in the ladies’ rooms.
July 22, 2008 at 7:43 am
Fortunately, the clear absence of urinals signals to men to EXIT IMMEDIATELY. Even so, I have felt that strange twinge of curiosity that begins with, “Why in the world wouldn’t the Men’s room have urinals?” – Tim
July 22, 2008 at 8:00 am
Holy Crap!! I’m laughing hysterically at this entry. Like some of the others, I did not see where this was going. The man’s hairy leg didn’t give it away? Thank you so much for sharing, I’ll be laughing about this all day.
July 22, 2008 at 8:09 am
Can I please post this on Macabre Fitness? Pretty pleeeeeeeease?
July 22, 2008 at 9:16 am
I have also found myself in the men’s locker room by accident, but my experience was a little more, ahem, full frontal than yours. All I can say is, count your blessings. It could have been worse. Trust me.
July 22, 2008 at 11:41 am
That was FUNNNY! Naked! In the men’s locker room! Oh good grief, that was freakin’ awesome.
July 22, 2008 at 11:51 am
Thank goodness you waited till you got in the shower to take off your suit. I normally hang mine on the hook next to the towel…..THAT would have been REALLY embarrasing.
July 22, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Holy Freakin Crap on a Pogo Stick! I just snorted cappuccino all over my desk….
although at my gym I have seen the female attendants walk right into the mens locker room when doing a tour for a new client….
July 22, 2008 at 2:15 pm
This scares me. I’m taking swimming classes and can’t use my glasses in the water, obviously, and don’t have contacts. As you can imagine, I can’t see much without them.
My biggest worry at the pool used to be drowning. haha
July 22, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Hilarious!.. I walked into the mens toilet in a busy nightclub, straight into a cubicle and hovered above the (unusually disgusting) toilet seat. I realised why it was so filthy when I heard a load of blokes line up at the urinals (which I’d been to pissed to notice when I staggered in there). For reasons unknown I waltzed out of the loo while they were all stood there – tossed my hair back, over emphasized yanking my zipper up on my jeans and went “alright” in my deepest voice along with a confirmatory blokey nod in their direction. You’ve never seen so many blokes peeing in different directions all at once!
July 22, 2008 at 4:37 pm
By the way, I am almost positve that boy locker rooms smell far worse than girl locker rooms. Do they not?
July 22, 2008 at 5:29 pm
That hilarious and I am actually laughing out loud. I had no clue that is where your story was going. I thought maybe you were going to say something gross about the wand and bench having to do with the hairy legs. But never did I think…wow. That was a lesson in the moment for your daughter for sure!
July 22, 2008 at 5:40 pm
Perhaps if they’d had “Gulls” and “Buoys” on the door like the standard seafood restaurant?
July 22, 2008 at 6:18 pm
I was just wandering around looking for blogs to read when I stumbled upon yours. Oh my goodness!! I laughed so loud that my husband and son looked at me with looks that say ‘Well go ahead and tell us, we know you want to.’ They enjoyed it too! I added you to my blogroll that I have just started.
Funny Stuff!
Nancie Vann
Acworth, Georgia
July 22, 2008 at 6:36 pm
The first sign of it being the “men’s” room are the urinals. I have unfortunately walked into the “men’s” room once or twice, shrieked and ran out. Always look for the urinals…
July 22, 2008 at 7:19 pm
Oh my. It is sooooo good that you made it out of their sight unseen. As far as you know, anyway…perhaps out there a man-blogger is posting his weird day at the gym, about how for just a moment, he thought he must have been in the girls’ locker room…
At least you can blame it (partially) on new-job brain fog!
July 22, 2008 at 8:19 pm
My normal reply would be, “DORK!”, but I had an incident where I was pounding an email out on my Blackberry in the bathroom…a long five minute email, only to discover that I was in the women’s bathroom, with someone in the stall. She must have seen me and stayed hidden in there until I left.
The biggest difference was that I was not naked in the wrong place.
July 22, 2008 at 8:28 pm
My gym’s locker room doesn’t have shower stalls, so if that ever happened to me….I’d be fully on display to any man who would walk in. Your lucky the way things turned out.
July 23, 2008 at 5:46 am
As soon as I heard the man’s voice, I would have had a stroke. Good job staying level-headed in a time of crisis.
July 23, 2008 at 6:26 am
I laughed out loud! Did your daughter say anything about hearing the man’s voice? Mine would’ve been all over that in a heart beat therefore making our presence much more apparent.
July 23, 2008 at 7:26 am
Reminds me of the time I locked myself out of the house with only a t-shirt on. Unfortunately, a neighbor having a morning smoke caught the whole thing, especially the bending over part! (He took an unusally long time to have his smoke…)
July 23, 2008 at 8:09 pm
That was hilarious! That happend to me once. I finally figured out I was in the wrong place when I figured out the little bins on the inside of the stall door were not for storing newspapers. Oops!
Glad to hear that you and the imp made it our undetected!
July 24, 2008 at 9:45 am
Funny!! I had a similar experience at a stadium. We had season tickets and for two years when I needed to relieve the bladder, it was through the tunnel and first door on the left. Then we upgraded our seats… throught the tunnel and first door on the left took me straight into the women’s restroom. I remember thinking, “Why would they remove all the urinals?” I didn’t realize my mistake until I exited the stall and saw a line of women at the sinks.
July 24, 2008 at 11:00 am
Oh, wow. This is so good. The miracle is that you escaped notice. You must have some good karma built up.
July 24, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Thank you for making me spill chicken soup all over my lap! Awesome story!
I’ve gone into the guy’s bathroom a few times – but usually on purpose because I didn’t want to wait in line for half an hour to pee.
Now I’m going to go change into something that doesn’t smell like Lipton’s Chicken Noodle Detergent.
July 24, 2008 at 8:46 pm
HOLY CRAP! That’s funny! LOL
I am so glad you didn’t go to MY gym. You woulda been hit with a far more interesting site!
http://alntv.wordpress.com/2008/07/24/have-you-ever-seen-a-grown-man-naked/
July 25, 2008 at 7:36 am
That really is too funny. I (like so many others) didn’t see where you were going with this story. Be proud that you realized it soon enough (be thankful to the guy who was talking).
July 26, 2008 at 12:19 pm
As it’s been said many times already, my mind was taking all kinds of different routes as I read along, but the destination was not on my radar. Once I got there all I could think was “OMG!” and “DANG!” and think how terrifying that must have been for you. That is crazy, but every once in a blue moon the brain decides to check out. I actually started to walk into the ladies room a couple of months back, but quickly realized my mistake when I saw my wife just inside the door. I quickly did a 180 and headed out. The funny thing was I was following two people to the rest rooms. One went into the mens room (he had very long hair) and one went into the ladies room (she was very butch from behind), but I only saw both of them from behind. I was lulled into a false sense of reality. Great story, thanks for sharing.
July 27, 2008 at 12:04 am
Hilarious! I’m sorry you had to go through this, but it was quite entertaining for all of us.
July 28, 2008 at 11:14 pm
Hilarious.
I have went in the wrong bathroom once in college, and didn’t notice until after I had did my business and ran into a dude on the way out. A classmate no less.
I think the restaurant taoist biker is refering to is Logan’s. They do that at the one here.
July 29, 2008 at 7:10 pm
Well, certainly no stone will be thrown from this guy.
I’m so happy I’m not alone in my shame.
July 29, 2008 at 7:43 pm
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July 30, 2008 at 9:50 am
Been there, done that!
Swim team, 1983. Not exactly how I wanted to first see my first naked man. EW!
Great posting.
August 4, 2008 at 7:00 pm
This was HILARIOUS! Even more so because you went in there TWICE! Too funny!
August 11, 2008 at 8:38 pm
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November 3, 2008 at 9:55 pm
Stumbled on your blog by clicking a link to it on another blogger’s page…this is one of the funniest things I have ever read! And, you are a GREAT writer!
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